启发营.. 启发=)

jz on the way back from alpha camp, our dear 团长 mr成杰 made me (i mean, encouraged me) write an essay to share my feelings. so here it is

希伯来文“以马内利”意即“神与你同在”。。。

一直都是个感性的人，尤其在唱诗赞美我们的大能主，或是分享时光，常会泪洒现场。从听到的多方面资讯，想着：是圣灵吧。但是都没有肯定的信心。

启发课程让我印象最深刻的该是启发营。许是因为本来参加的目的就是要认识圣灵，那两天的课程让我更加贴近上帝。讲道时常常听到关于圣父与子的知识，鲜少深入探讨圣灵的课题，因此就希望透过启发课程更加认识他。但是，此路坎坷。因为那时适逢我KoK类似simulasi的tournament, 占了全科的70%。但是因为起初还没被校方通过，想着或许会有变数，就先不要做那杞人多担心，给自己增添忧虑。

到了去启发营的前一个星期，我期盼的奇迹没有出现。当一切成定局时，觉得非常非常无奈。自认肯定无法去启发营了，想着或许上帝要我留在团契帮忙吧，也就接受了这“定局”。但是，发现上启发课的时候，心一再拖延，不想告诉组长我不行去。说出代祷事项时，理所当然地就说了这件事。

出乎我意料地，泪盈满了眼眶。为了不被人发现，低下头把话说完了。祷告时，落泪了。当时才发现自己有多渴想参加。之后，经过了多番思考，得到了结论。我根本就不想留在团契看着。圣灵呼唤着我，要我去贴近祂，认识祂，了解祂，经历祂。眼泪乃是祂的坦白，也是心的真正渴望。

当下，决定去挑战KoK的教练！我的意思是，问一问我可否缺席2/3的时间。很可笑吧？看似不可能，但是，神的道路高过人的道路，神的意念高过人的意念。恳切流泪祷告后，打了那通电话。教练竟语气平淡地表明他不介意。

你无法想象我当时的兴奋。心里不停地感谢主。为了确定，重复问了许多次，教练在第三次才说，会失去出席率的分数，但我才管他呢。圣灵的感受才重要。很兴奋地告诉了团契的朋友，大家都很为我高兴。咱的团长说：那是奇迹。是啊，是奇迹。祂所做的一切都有祂的时间。

在启发营，圣灵果然带领我更加认识了祂。许多曾经的疑问都得着解答，也明白了我曾经的感动与经历。

在和过往的罪恶与枷锁做了切断的祷告和宣告后，全身也着实轻松了不少。我想，每个人应该都有他们不想让人知道的罪，只因那是最深层，最真的自己。但是，在不断和神祷告后，竟能很轻松地和组长分享自己最大的软弱。感谢主。。

那晚和大专的查经和讨论也让我们更加靠近彼此，也让我看到自己有那么，那么多事奉的机会。

对于能出席这启发营，心中有的是无限，无限的感恩。若不是祂，这一切都不会成就。

最后，请让我以保罗的劝勉做总结：“不住的祷告，凡是谢恩。。。不要消灭圣灵的感动。”（帖前五：17-19）

L.O.V.E?

Love, of course, as we all know, does not only refer to the kind of feeling between the two different sexes. Or, as time evolves, generation changes, it exists in such “prohibited” way between the same sex. Well, it’s a really wide and complicated field I’d like to exclude in my topic today.

This evening, I’d like to talk about the kind of LOVE between friends, in the family, and between different sexes. Researches show that the diversity of race, country, sex, family background, education etc. comes with a big difference in the way the population expresses love.

Generally, we can say that the east and west have their own way of expressing love. The easterners are known to be more conservative, shy and afraid to show their true feeling. Even though the love is known by the other party, we just cannot say the word. “I like you” is easy. … but “I love you”? just kill them. Especially the elders, like my parents, if one day I go home, or even if I just call them, and say “love ya” before hanging up, I’m sure there’ll be REALLY worried about me. Like I just decided to kill myself.

This is actually our ancestors’ fault. If in the olden days, they have chosen to talk their children into doing something, instead of just beating, canning or forcing, I guess the situation would be way different. The fathers in those times chose to be a strict one due to their man’s pride. Saying “I’m your father, just listen to what I say and obey”. Now, the word “obey” is crucial. Children will think, “right, I’ll obey.” But they never RESPECT or learn that the strict and fierce father who actually loves them dearly in the heart. The mother, though, always plays the caring part. That’s why we’re more attached to mothers and more willing to tell our mother the secrets and whatever there’s in our heart, if we’re ever going to do so.

I think it’s really weird that we kiss and hug babies and kids. But as they grow up, the kissing just stops. Now I come to think of it, maybe, maybe the kids become rebellious and leave. This is how the environment affects us. Even though we still love our parents the same way, peers’ jeers make us embarrassed. Perhaps they really think you’re childish, or maybe they are just envious or jealous.

Sometimes, the kids don’t leave because of the hormones. The rebellious thing, you know. But because they want to grow up. It’s funny how homo sapiens are never satisfied with the way they are. When they are young, they’ll say “I wish I’m 21, so I can go in casinos”. When they REALLY are 21, they wish they can go back school and enjoy those days without worries, under parents’ shelter. My 85yo grandma always says that, of all the things I’ve gone thru, being old is the most difficult thing. Seems like human beings will never be satisfied with how you are, so, a little advice here, don’t try to be perfect. You’ll always find a fault in yourself.

Ok, back to the topic. So.. kids leave because they want to be independent. I’ll never forget that when I was in kindergarten, my mum used to take my hand and walk me to my class. But one day, I don’t know what went wrong with my little brain, I told them I could walk in by myself. And I regret the words til now. Since then, I was forced to be independent. Luckily, I think I do well. Just feeling lonely sometimes.. One point here, easterners never kiss goodbye. On the other hand, westerners, as we can see in movies and dramas, they kiss each other when they meet, when they part, when they are upset, when they are happy, blah blah blah. They show their care and love by actions. They don’t think it weird to be kissing in public. It’s their own world.

Besides, they talk a lot. I mean, they tell what bothers them in their heart. We tend to keep our secrets close underneath our skin here, but it’s different with the westerners. Everything they have, they will need to spill it out! Their happiness, upset, even anger.

Between friends, in my opinion, they complement our family. Things we can’t confess to our family members, we tell our friends. If the family’s like a strong rock supporting us, friends are like those little breeze who makes our lives happier and better. When we quarrel with our family, we either deal with it alone, or we go to our friends. Friends tend to give comfort, nice words and a strong shoulder for you to lean on.

The way we love our friends is interesting too. Before we know each other that deeply, we converse with kind words, trying to be nice, always talk with a smile like the Sun and all the spotlights are on you. If the friendship turns out well, the two people become close and they become near-family. Words are not always nice now. There may be harsh words to keep you on the wrong path. Yeah, it’s all for your own good. But, my friend, I’d like those words to be softened a bit. After the incident, we turn out to treasure the friend. For their words support us and hold us on the right way.

Now, the most interesting relationship there ever is. Between opposite sexes. God created Adam and Eve, so don’t ask me why “opposite sexes”, please. That’s what we call “straight”.

In courtship, there are a lot of ways to win a person’s heart. One of my friends recently told me that he likes someone. But he’s gonna wait to make sure if it’s love. However, he’s already made the first move. He already got the phone number. I think in this era, if you wanna win someone’s heart, getting the 10 numbers is essential. You can call, or use the modern way, SMS. I think it serves as the easier way as well. And I think it’s sneaky. It’s cheap, so you can send as many as you like, saying whatever you want, without seeing the other party in person. Perhaps you say, “oh I’m shy” so, just send an SMS. Type the characters, I think… I’m in love with you… and then, add an emoticon showing ur blushed face. Easy. Yeah. Perhaps it’s more efficient than the long, long letter Mr Darcy wrote to Elizabeth in P &P. However, it’s still lousier than the face-to-face confession he made. I’m sure many of you know the novel, or ever watched the movie. “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. The feeling will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.“

So, besides phone calls and SMSes, there are still many other alternatives. MSN, love letters, e-mails, etc. It’s for a good purpose actually. To get close, know each other better and make sure if he/she is the right person. Better than regretting after your marriage. And then, you go on dates, hold hands, kiss, and it goes on. Those physical contact, according to scientists, are needed. One of the Five Love Languages come up by Dr Gary Chapman is physical contact. It gives a feeling of secure and loved. The other four are precious time spent together, gifts, actions, and words.

Eye contact is also one important thing. Like, when I stare at you, lovingly, you feel shy, or, embarrassed, and you turn away.But I heard there are guys who have those electric eyes, when they stare at you, you just get sucked in and, guess what, you fall in love! I dunno how long this love will last, it’s another topic I guess. But I believe eye contact can deliver your love to your beloved one.

Love makes the world beautiful. It doesn’t matter what kind it is, it makes human a better human. Emphathy, is also a kind of love. Sacrifices, prove how deep the love is. Sometimes, we get hurt by love, by those words and actions. But I’m grateful I’m loved.

my lovely ankle II

i went to “hing hua mu” again yesterday. guess wat she said =) jz like i expected, i’m allergic to the herbs she put on.. *sighs

so now, my darling ankle is swollen like hell. like it’s gonna burst.. i went to Rejang Medical and spent RM54 to get the medication and stuff. the doc kept on saying it’s a severe allergy coz i got blisters and stuff. then he applied cream and bandaged it. again, it’s bundled up!! cis. Miss Ankle just tot it could be free finally.

the thing i’m worried now is whether i’ll still be able to go to sarikei tomorrow. i really wanna go meet them! feeling super down now -.-

p/s i wanted to show u my bare foot without the bandage but am afraid you’ll throw up. trust me, IT’S GROSS

my lovely ankle

ok, i sprained it. my ankle. right ankle.

oh please please, baby, please recover. u hurt me so dearly.. u’re making me feel like dying.

it’s really stupid how it happened. i sprained it when i was TRYING to play tennis. notice the word “trying”? yeah, i haven’t even hit a ball before it “pah tah”.. i can even hear the sound in my head right now.

and, the worse thing is, my left knee is also wounded. so, it hurts even more when i’m trying to move around. normally, people will hop using the “unsprained” leg but mine hurts when i do so..

just now i went to “hing hua mu”’s place to heal it. ohhhhh she was trying to “twist” it like what those chinese doctors try to do in the old-fashioned tvb dramas. i was literally laughing with pain.. guess she could feel my agony that she just wrapped it up with the smelly stuff. and i was like phewwwwwww..

the thing is.. i need to go to her again on tuesday. ARGGHHHHHH!!!! please pray for me.

Home Sweet Home

no matter what happens, home is your last and only resort.

no matter who hurts you, home will shed its protection over you.

no matter when you feel down, home is open 24/7.

no matter how imperfect it is, home is irreplaceable.

no matter where you are, home is with you in your heart..

travelling with “Aleo”

well, i know it’s been the second week after i came back from this super nice trip, but forgive me for writing about it, k, emoQ?

first of all, wanna show my big gratitude to Aleochemistry for letting me join the trip, and trying to convert me to one of the Aleo’s. well, i’m sorry to say that you failed LOL

i went to three places during the trip. stayed for a day at Genting, 3 days in Malacca, and then spent the rest of the trip in Penang. Another series of gratitude to Aleo’s. Thanks to KC for the accommodation, and WQ for bring us around in Malacca. Thanks to Peik See and her parents for giving us shelter and food (whole lots of food) in Malacca, and thanks of Haw Ge for taking us around.

Genting is.. well, it’s complicated. We are all disappointed ‘coz we didn’t get to play much (almost none) of the outdoor park due to the heavy rain and fog. However, it was a nice experience to go SS out in the cold weather. And, the terrifying yet funny “Truth or Dare” stay-up night. It caused HongSan to become a laughter of a stupid joke bout “Left-Right Hand”.. *sighs I’m gonna kill Haw Ge if anyone else knows about it. Then, the next morning, Bie Bie and i got up earlier than the others, so we went to find some food for breakfast.. Ate sandwiches, dim sum and a cup of cappuccino. Well, it’s true it’s expensive -.-

Oh yeah, HongSan ate at Mr Teppanyaki for lunch on the 1st day. Tempura Bento set.. wow.. i think it includes many kind of food groups we need, and it’s indeed tasty! Then, for the lunch on the 2nd day, i had Ramen. Its soup is indeed great. We went down to wait for the bus to KL Sentral after the lunch.

We kinda split at KL Sentral as some are going back to their own hometowns and UKM. HongSan followed those going to Malacca. The bus trip is kinda torturing as the bus seat was small, and “thanks” to Mum for giving me the long legs and sufferings i got from it. We went to visit the old buildings in Malacca, of coz. And HongSan went to sing K for the 1st time in my life. WQ and KC brought us to taste many great stuff, eg. lok lok in curry, fried clam, kuey teow, steamboat & BBQ buffet, Bak Kut Teh, etc.

On the 3rd day, we split again, and HongSan followed those going back to Penang. On arriving Peik See’s house in Bkt Mertajam, Peik treated us with homemade mooncakes and dumplings.. and that kind of foresaw the 4kgs gaining of HongSan’s weight.. Horrible ne~ Peik See’s mum cooked really nice home-cooked food for us including healthy soups, red bean soup, green bean soup, etc.

Besides, Peik and Haw Ge also brought us around to try local dishes. Delicious, of coz! HongSan also went to Sakae Sushi for the 1st ever time in her life. We ordered stuff like mad and, well, the bill is acceptable. Each of us paid around RM35. I tried Junsu’s fav Hitsumabushi. It’s not the original one in Fukuoka but it still tastes good :) Oh, and HongSan tried BigApple for the 1st ever time in her life as well. Well, regarding food, what can HongSan say other than “NICE!!” ? 8 of us divided into 2 groups, buying the 12 pieces set. And then, we passed the doughnuts around and each of us took a bite of them.. Guys, remember, food tastes even better when they are shared with people you love =) basically, all food HongSan had during the trip is shared among friends, so that actually boosted their great taste.

An unforgettable memory is on a Thur morning that we planned to go to the Penang beach to enjoy the sunrise. We started our journey at 4am, but SHA SHA SHA.. heavy rain! So we had to go to 7-Eleven, ate and drank some hot stuff, and used the toilet. Later, we stayed in the car and played some more Truth and had some talks.. Later, we only got to stay at the beach for around 10 mins due to the rain which started falling again. Fish brought us to eat dim sums after that. The egg tarts there are great, and so are the other food.. Great is the word.

Really funny that most of my memories are about the food we tried LOL. But, guess it’s not surprising, knowing what a person HongSan is..

The trip is a great experience, letting me have my fun and “stupid” moments =) It makes HongSan even more homesick, though.. Throughout the trip, Bie, Mich and HongSan are constantly talking bout Sibu’s food and places.. We really miss home

depressed~~

can’t believe i let myself tempted and “indulged” in those food.. for so many times already! and then i had this dream of me eating 3 servings of i-forgot-what-food. but the main point is, 3 servings!! oh gosh

really need to control myself.. grrr.. someone, kill my appetite please! i’ll pay you..

innocence?

recently, i took up a part-time job as an english tutor, teaching upsr and grade one students. well, of course i discovered something since this entry exists.

the class started that day. i distributed two test papers for the students. i gave them separately, meaning two pieces for each table since there are two students at each table, and then another two of other kind. when i was taking the attendance, some students told me a girl was crying. so, i went to her.
"Are you not feeling well?"
she shook her head.
"Did you lose something?"
shook her head again.
"Someone bullied you?"
again, shook her head.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
she pointed at the papers i just distributed. she got the same two..

(let me remain silent in proportion to the shock and "three lines" in my heart)

though i was shocked, i reacted quite quickly. i just exchanged hers with her partner’s and said, "see, you got the right ones."
she looked up and wiped away her tears, looking as if nothing happened. there was innocence in her face, but i couldn’t wipe away the "three lines" on my head like she did with her tears.

anyways, i should envy her. for it’s something the world has stolen from me. innocence

accept it, live with it

racism appears everywhere, especially in malaysia where your neighbour may already be malay or indian. coz we’re a multiracial country

we always think that it’s unfair people are not treated the "fair" way. i once complained bout it and said i wouldn’t live here if i got the chance. but my father told me, "every country has its own problem." thinking bout it, yeah, malaysia is actually good.

we don’t have those natural disasters, like japan, taiwan, even indonesia. though there are dislike feelings, we don’t start wars like afghanistan, pakistan, iraq, africa. we are not rich but we are developing. corruption exists but there are still people who are against it. the official religion may not be our religion, but we are free to believe the Gospel, and even free to spread our belief.

when i was in national service, i realised, nice people are nice, regardless their race. we think a certain race is arrogant or lazy because the people we happened to meet is of that kind. not everyone of them is. before i got into national service, i seldom had the chance to befriend the other races. however, i realised, from my new friends, malays are warm, indians are wise and ibans are tough..

you think it’s unfair, but when you’re born, it already works this way. do you hear your parents complain as much as you do? it’s been so many years, shouldn’t you be over with it already? adverse conditions make us tough and successful. though i don’t think malaysia is giving you that much "adverse" circumstances.

people always say, it’s unfair, i don’t wanna live here! but you’re STILL living here. you have your family and friends here. you enjoy the facilities here. you’re receiving free education here. you go to the governmental hospital or poliklinik for consultation and a big bunch of medicine, and pay just RM 1. you’re still living here. don’t say "if i got the chance, i’ll immigrate." will australia welcome you with open arms? how will you go to uk, usa or wherever with your money? will you get a job that easily? have a meal done with just RM 5 instead of 60 pounds? good luck

that’s not me!!

1st trial’s just ended. was satisfied with it going on till that day. Thursday when i took maths 2 paper. totally spoilt my mood. i have been contented with this exam, really, dunno, maybe coz of my prayers. but maths 2 nearly broke me down.

i got 81/100 last time and so it’s been the subject i cared the most, and really want to do better. that’s why i got too much pressure on me and my hands start shaking halfway thru the paper. in fact, i’ve got more time, enough maybe. but too much pressure. i kept thinking what if i can do all the questions, but just the time matter? pressure’s really a terrible thing. in the past, i’ll jz skip those questions i considered out of my ability, finished up the other questions, then if there’s time left, i’ll contentedly go back and relaxingly think about them again. and luckily, with that peace in mind, sometimes the solutions pop up. but this time, i couldn’t do that.

and that nearly spoilt my thursday. i still gotta revise my PA but felt really down. can’t reli study so i prayed and tried harder. got  a headache

but, on the way to church’s night prayer, something hit me :P and i was literally laughing at myself. my brain told me, "hey, what are you doing? this is not you?" and i realized i let results and exams took too much over me. that’s not me! why did i let exam get hold of me? i shouldn’t be in this situation. that’s not me. and so, i felt really relieved, and felt contented to study my pa.

and i realise the limit of human’s ability. though i tried really hard to make myself feel better that afternoon, it won’t work.

Pray and leave your burden to Jesus and the world will be beautiful as ever. God will give you what you REALLY need.

human race thinks they can do whatever they want, achieve whatever they wish. but the scar in soul cannot be healed by human’s doing, Jesus Christ comforts your heart. God gives you soul, and the food of soul comes from Him.